April 6, 2010

The Scariest Box Ever

Today, I had one of the scariest three minutes of my life. I am claustrophobic to begin with. I do not particularly like being buck naked in strange places. I am scared of being secretly recorded on a mini-camcorder and then someone posting me all over the internet on a weird website entitled "This is What Childbirth Can Do To Your Body". Oh, and I do not like using towels when I did not oversee the washing of the same.

Yes, today I went to a spray tanning booth for the first time.

It started off okay. Clean place, nice front desk person, and a coupon. She talked me through the do's and don'ts, pointed out the proper way to stand, and how to handle the blotting of the tanner after the spray is done. I learned how to rotate and point my arms, so the tanner was evenly distributed. Okay, okay, I thought, I've got this down.

The nice lady did not tell me that I would jump out of my skin when the sound in the 4x4 box started. And gasp for air when the foul smelling liquid sprayed at me like a cruel fire hydrant. The noise was like a freight train, and I was trapped in this teeny space, naked and scared I was being recorded. I was so freaked out, that I had my mouth open (perhaps in a quiet scream), and I ended up inhaling at least three solid gulps of tanner. I can still taste the stuff, two hours later. I forgot to close my eyes. I forgot to hold my breath. I forgot that I was supposed to stand on a small towel in the box, so I accidently stepped off the towel in my effort to rotate according to the rules, nearly slipping and busting my naked buns on the floor of the small, fiberglass coffin (which at this point, was surely where I was going to die).

Now, I am quite impressed with the results. And much like all good things worth having, the spray tan is a terrible journery. But alas, I'm beige as an undercooked biscuit (which is promising for me). I fear the orange as a carrot may happen once I go to sleep. Unfortunately, the stepping-off-of-the-towel incident has also caused the bottom of my feet to be the color of mud. Looking on the bright side....maybe tan feet bottoms will keep stinky feet bottoms in check.

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