May 7, 2010

Take Your Free Time and Shove It...

I really do not know how to deal with my recent bitter ball about an issue. Maybe some of my dear readers can assist. Strike that. Attention to my only fan and reader, Jamie B from Wisconsin (peace sister), I need your help.

How in the world do some people actually have too much free time? And (this is my burning angry question), how in the hell do those people have the bloody nerve to ask others for assistance with their free time projects?

And someone is undoubtedly reading this and thinking, but oh, you have a blog and you paint, so YOU must have free time. Newflash pooky: when one paints from the bathtub or blogs standing in a kitchen, typing one-handed while brushing a toddler's teeth, this is not "free" time. This is efficient use of the pea-sized time one has. And frankly, because I have not developed a single photograph of my children in over a year and a half, I'm thinking this blog may actually save time, preserve memories and also save me from the later question: "Mommy why don't we have scrapbooks or photo albums like our friend, Jane?" To which I will try not to respond: "Well, sweet babies, Jane's mother is meth-addicted stay-at-home mommy who spent all of her husband's money on scrapbooking and dope, and thus had all the energy in the world to complete said scrapbooks due to lack of employment and crazy energy from the cocaine. She has free time."

You, my sweet babies, have a blog for everyone to read. See? Isn't that just so special? I hope it's enough. I try. Sigh. I better get my scrapbooking scissors out... yikes.

It's bad enough that people are now asking me for actual chunks of my precious forty-five minutes a day of free time, while my kids get crap when I am in charge of snacktime at school. The other mothers may make homemade sugar-free little Bites of Heaven. Well, on our rotation, James and Stella (like clockwork) proudly bring in a box of Goldfish and raisins. Hey, the Goldfish are "flavor blasted." Take that, you blasted Bites of Heaven.

Now, here's the deal to all you free time mongers trying to drag me into your frivolous projects: If my dear children do not get freshly baked snacks, then you do not get my freshly baked assistance with your lazy day sunshine issues. Once you see my babies slipping into a state of snacktime nirvana (homemade granola, cupcake or snickerdoodles with organic ingredients), then and only then may you approach me about help with your lemonade stand, knitting kiosk, or paperclip masterpiece. Until then... :)

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