June 30, 2010

Cliffs Notes Parenting

I've always thought the term "one-armed paper hanger" was silly, but dang if I don't feel like one. There has been so much funny-dom around me, but not a second to do a proper blog entry. For the sake of posterity and record keeping, I present you with the Cliffs Notes Version of the last few weeks of parenting, working and basically nutting up.

1. James said, "I no like Mommy." And I thought: Well, that's just great. Mommy no likes you either right now, stinky face.

2. Stella was caught trying to wear my pumps today.

3. Jason took off a diaper, and the teeniest little poop nugget flew out and landed on the floor. We looked at each other like, "Look at that escapee." The shame in what is funny after two and a half years of poop.

4. Stella curses like a sailor. Shirt, food, shoes. All four-letter words.

5. James now only eats food that is fashioned into animals. Meet Nitrate-Free Beef Hot Dog Monkey with Organic Macaroni Hair and Pita Ears. He was a delicious hit.

6. There is a stealthy poo-bomber at work. She hits the bathroom at 10:00 and 2:00, like clockwork. It's lethal.

7. We took James to a steakhouse called Bugaboo Creek, which is like a taxidermy paradise. All these crazy animals, scattered around like a messed up cabin in Montana. He loved it the first time, so much so that we promised him another outing there. Only the second outing, he freaked out, "I no sit by buffalo" and "nooooo fox!" He wouldn't sit down, but wandered around pointing at the animals and then freaking out when we tried to sit by the buffalo (repeat: "I no sit by buffalllllloooo!). I ended up carrying him out screaming. We left with no food. No food makes for mad mommy. He nutted up that we left and cried for two hours. After his naptime, he looked at me, plain as day, and said, "I love buffalo. I want to sit by buffalo." I wanted to tell him, like all the other animals at Bugaboo, he was about to be dead meat. Ah, the terrible twos. I salute you.

8. Tantrum central. A hamburger ended up face down, top bun missing, ketchup side down on the floor of my car. Enough said.

9. Stella is hilarious, and a massive copycat. James throws a fit. She watches him, and starts grunting just like him. It's like Pete and Re-Pete around here. Oh, and she yanked his "pee pee" in the tub tonight. They both laughed hysterically. I'm not too sure what to do with that one.

10. Jason got a new car, which makes me jealous. I drove it to work twice while he was away, and then promptly parked it in the garage, and decided to leave it there. I'm too scared to ding it up, and then there will be BMW hell to pay. I like my car. It smells like the hamburger James dropped last week. And I found a rogue french fry from Stella. Bonus! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Love to you all. Time to couch and recover.

June 20, 2010

Father's Day

I wish all the amazing fathers in my life a wonderful day. I have been blessed beyond words to have a wonderful Dad in my life. And now, I have a wonderful husband who is an incredible father.

Love to all of you today. Thanks for making such a big impression on our lives...

June 19, 2010

Traveling Genius

I had heard that if you have a "spoon", he should be a traveling spoon... or the spoon should have little wooden siblings.... in the glovebox, the diaper bag, the bathroom drawer.

Well, Mr. Spoon (the one and only) traveled today in the diaper bag. The mere sight caused obedience and respect, and we had a fabulous, almost tantrum-free day.

Today, Mr. Spoon became a traveler.

Mr. Spoon made a brief, but powerful appearance on the table at IHOP, sitting next to the syrup. He sat on the armrest in the Pilot. He came out at the Bass Pro Shop, near the boats, and one more time eating Panda Express (yuck) in the Food Court.

The beauty about Mr. Spoon? He has only (ever) been used once. Once, in his little wooden lifetime.

One use made a one-time impression... and now, the mere sight of Mr. Spoon makes a two-year old little devil....become something of an angel.

Mr. Spoon, we salute you. Real wood of genius.

June 7, 2010

Great Lakes!

Well, I thought I was landing in the looney bin for awhile. Or the cuckoo’s nest. Or the looney’s nest. All the same difference.

These past two weeks have probably been the greatest and busiest of our lives. Joyful, but crazy. Happy, but insane.

And stuck in the middle of the drama and excitement was a vacation to Lake Lanier with my parents, the husband, the kids (and a case of wine). The idea of being trapped in a small lake house in the woods with my children and my parents (after rain was forecasted all weekend long) was enough to cover me in hives. Not that I do not love all these people with all of my heart. But I am claustrophobic. And very scared of small confined spaces where my weird parenting quirks may be observed closely... and where teeny tiny little people can take over and spark a spontaneous mutiny.

Turned out that the rain came and went (and came again), but we managed to get two days at the water park. The husband and I had three lovely nights out, one where my mom joined us and my dad babysat the kids. Mia and Papa got lots of time with the munchkins. James slept in a big boy bed (read: blow up mattress), which was surprising to say the least. We had a great time.

The great breakthrough: I learned that my son really only throws his epic temper tantrums when Goldfish crackers are involved. Not that he wants the Goldfish. But more like the Goldfish send him over the edge. Maybe it’s the shape of the things. In his little mind, perhaps the thought of eating little fish disturbs him. I don’t know. But we’ve had a Goldfish-free zone for two weeks in our house, and I'll be darned...if parenting has not rolled along more smoothly.

James and Stella make quite the team. Either child alone is completely manageable. But the two of them together... well, they can work four adults like the midnight shift at Taco Bell in Athens after a football game.

Still, it’s getting easier and happier and holy cow... are there some funny moments. For example, James now draws “pee pees” on all animals. Dinosaur has eyes, nose, tail and pee pee, Mommy.” He manages to throw down the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Hot Dog dance like a pro. Hot dogs and pee pees. Nice! I am detecting a pattern.

Stella is definitely the daredevil. She loved the water at the park. She tried to throw herself down the lake house stairs several times, just for the sport of it. She bobbled around in the wave pool, happy and smiley. Also, like any good woman, Stella is shoe obsessed. She wants to wear her shoes during every waking minute. She’s saying more and more things, like shoes (of course), baby, momma, dada, bubba. Her rendition of the word shirt is much like James’ rendition of the word frog.
Dear little cursing babies of mine.

What joyful times that the babes are growing up. I like newborns, but I am enjoying toddlers so much more.

So now, I think we are ready to adopt an older child. I am thinking a fourteen year old daughter. So we have a built in babysitter. Let me know if any of you are looking to unload your teenager...