June 30, 2010

Cliffs Notes Parenting

I've always thought the term "one-armed paper hanger" was silly, but dang if I don't feel like one. There has been so much funny-dom around me, but not a second to do a proper blog entry. For the sake of posterity and record keeping, I present you with the Cliffs Notes Version of the last few weeks of parenting, working and basically nutting up.

1. James said, "I no like Mommy." And I thought: Well, that's just great. Mommy no likes you either right now, stinky face.

2. Stella was caught trying to wear my pumps today.

3. Jason took off a diaper, and the teeniest little poop nugget flew out and landed on the floor. We looked at each other like, "Look at that escapee." The shame in what is funny after two and a half years of poop.

4. Stella curses like a sailor. Shirt, food, shoes. All four-letter words.

5. James now only eats food that is fashioned into animals. Meet Nitrate-Free Beef Hot Dog Monkey with Organic Macaroni Hair and Pita Ears. He was a delicious hit.

6. There is a stealthy poo-bomber at work. She hits the bathroom at 10:00 and 2:00, like clockwork. It's lethal.

7. We took James to a steakhouse called Bugaboo Creek, which is like a taxidermy paradise. All these crazy animals, scattered around like a messed up cabin in Montana. He loved it the first time, so much so that we promised him another outing there. Only the second outing, he freaked out, "I no sit by buffalo" and "nooooo fox!" He wouldn't sit down, but wandered around pointing at the animals and then freaking out when we tried to sit by the buffalo (repeat: "I no sit by buffalllllloooo!). I ended up carrying him out screaming. We left with no food. No food makes for mad mommy. He nutted up that we left and cried for two hours. After his naptime, he looked at me, plain as day, and said, "I love buffalo. I want to sit by buffalo." I wanted to tell him, like all the other animals at Bugaboo, he was about to be dead meat. Ah, the terrible twos. I salute you.

8. Tantrum central. A hamburger ended up face down, top bun missing, ketchup side down on the floor of my car. Enough said.

9. Stella is hilarious, and a massive copycat. James throws a fit. She watches him, and starts grunting just like him. It's like Pete and Re-Pete around here. Oh, and she yanked his "pee pee" in the tub tonight. They both laughed hysterically. I'm not too sure what to do with that one.

10. Jason got a new car, which makes me jealous. I drove it to work twice while he was away, and then promptly parked it in the garage, and decided to leave it there. I'm too scared to ding it up, and then there will be BMW hell to pay. I like my car. It smells like the hamburger James dropped last week. And I found a rogue french fry from Stella. Bonus! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Love to you all. Time to couch and recover.

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