February 15, 2011

Attachment Parenting

I just happened to fall into this blog:  attachment parenting.  Careful, you guys.  This will make you chunk your cookies.  I really hate to even link to this. But it's too funny.  It makes me want to stand in Tree Position, and mumble "om om om" in the middle of the day.

Now, I am totally into hippie birth - water birth, hypno-breathing, the doula, the midwife - I love it all. I think more power to a woman that can do it completely natural.  Needless to say, I went almost thirty hours of drug free hell pain with both kids (twenty-nine of those hours attributed to my first born)... and I still ended up with two epidural babies - but delivered by a midwife, thankfully with no c-sections and no episiotomies (and now too much information!).  

So, I managed semi-hippie births. Hooray for me.  Yes, I want a medal. And of course, my readers know how I feel about breastfeeding.  I won't bring back that firestorm.

But then there is co-sleeping - which is where I separate myself from that nightmare of a blog. Which brings me to my main point. Oh, you can just shoot me now.

This Attachment Parenting blog says (and I quote):
"Our jobs as parents does not end when the sun goes down. It is not in a baby's best interest to be separated from its caregivers at night...." 

And here is my favorite part:

"It is the in and out of bed at night that causes terrible sleep-deprivation in new parents and it is really unnecessary. You will find that it is when you attempt to go against the grain of natural instinct that everything in life becomes so much harder and more difficult."

Baahahhahahahahhahha!  The "in and out of the bed"?  That's why I was tired???  I almost died. That's why I was so tired? Well, hello Dolly!  I am so glad you solved that riddle.

Hello, planet earth. The sleep deprivation comes from:
(2) SAID CHILD simply exisiting ("first there were no people, and then there were people"); and
(3) SAID CHILD waking up, pooping, screaming, whining, flailing, needing, wanting, helpless, sleeping, not sleeping, puking, snorting, sniffling, whimpering, eating, burping...and on and on.... 

Hilarious. I can't even stand it.

And finally, the next-best part of the blog is the section on "Baby Wearing." Another crack pot. Some people like the baby slings or the Bjorn, and I think that's great.  James hated it - screamed bloody hell when I put him in the sling.  And frankly, my kids got too heavy, too fast for either of us to enjoy the Bjorn.  Most importantly, my newborns were on me plenty.... I didn't need to wear him/her.

To summarize Attachment Parenting:
you must wear your baby inside your womb for 40 weeks; then once the baby comes out, ensure that you wear that baby on the outside; and, finally (most importantly) make sure you don't get out of the bed (because that will make you tired).

Go forth!  Wear your children, ladies!


becky said...

Actually, wearing your kid can be pretty cool. Emma was a super-colicky kid, so having a sling at the ready made quite the difference in this mama's life. I would much rather be holding my kid (who I held for the first 9 months inside) than be pushing her in some kind of stroller contraption. But that's me.

The thing about attachment parenting is that you use what you can, toss out what you don't -- so we didn't co-sleep, but we did other parts of AP, like being more child-centred in our parenting approaches (ie., not letting Emma "cry it out" when she was 6 weeks old).

I know this post is meant to be snarky funny, but I didn't laugh.

Mere said...

I left out some points. First: when I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to be a marcupial mom.

I had a co-sleeper attachment to our bed with James. He slept by my side for twelve weeks. I could reach out and touch him. However, because I wanted him close to me at all times, I utterly failed to sleep because he was a noisy baby. I got by on 2-3 hours a night for a span of three months. And I almost cracked up.

Third, I had five different slings and both my kids loathed them.

And finally, I cried inconsolably when I couldn't figure out why my newborn seemed to hate me; why he appeared to want to kill me with sleep deprivation; and mangle me with his need for constant feedings. I bawled when I saw other mothers with these quiet, calm kids in the grocery store, and I couldn't leave the house without inducing forty-five minutes scream sessions.

I tried it all.

After being a party to all methods (AP, happiest baby on the block, baby whisperer, sears, babywise, ferber, and on and on), I now just feel sorry for new parents.

Because here's the deal - some kids are born difficult.

In my case, I had a newborn so difficult that no method or idea cracked him (and by the way, STILL doesn't).

My point being: all the literature in the world just made me feel like I was incapable of doing my so-called instinct-driven job as a mother. I write like this because I don't want other mothers (for a second!) to feel alone in that lonely corner of the "difficult newborn" world. I sure as hell wish someone would have said that to me.

Sorry you didn't laugh. Love ya, girl.