February 2, 2011

Problems in Quotations

I joke around alot.  (No kidding).  But it's all in fun, and even when I'm throwing stuff outside or giving teachers hell, I'm really laughing about it....mostly cracking up at the sheer lunacy of raising children and especially trying to discipline people with the size and sense of large possums.

That being said.  I think I am a good mother.  I love my kids. I complain about them; I joke about them - but duh,who wants to read blog after blog about how much a parent loves their kids (losers). [Oh, see... I can't stop.]

Anyway. My point: I love my kids.  James = my heart;  Stella = my soul.  I'd die for them. I'd kill you if you harmed them.

But tonight, I was a bad mother.  All jokes aside. I was just sour and bad and rotten. 

I had no patience.  I raised my voice in screeches and madness...and not just stop-poking-your-sister's-eyes-out type stuff.   Yes, the kids were terrors tonight.  The flu seemingly on its way out, the kids are stir-crazed maniacs on wheels.  This resulted in drawers being emptied, legos thrown at faces, and grapes smushed into carpet.  James and Stella are crazy kids anyway.  Usually, I just say "no you stop that don't do that quit it do you want your toys outside" and that's the way it goes.  But tonight, I lost it.  I yelled, then I cried, then I hugged them, then I cried some more, feeling like I couldn't possibly handle this parenting thing another second longer.  Emails from work are dinging in, the kids are screaming, and I wanted to cover my eyes, ears and mouth, but didn't have enough limbs to do it.

So today, the typical 5:00 to 8:00 precious window with my kids resulted in a crazy cycle of me get mad, me hug them, and me get mad again. 


So on the part of the "me get mad" bedtime cycle, I tossed the kids into their beds, trying not to mutter something like: Go to sleep Hellboy and Hellgirl, and then I went outside to check the mail.  Ooooh, my Runner's World arrived, and as I am walking into the house, I flipped the magazine to a story that knocked me out. 

Like God putting His giant (but gentle) thumb on my face and saying "can't breathe now, can't you sucker?"

There it was. A story (here's the link) about a professional pitcher, Trever Miller, turned avid marathon runner who has a disabled little girl, Grace.  Long story - he runs and takes her along - so she can feel the wind on her face when he pushes her;  he runs so he maintains the patience to handle the struggles associated with a disabled child; and he is thankful, because "Every day [Grace is] alive is another one of God's gifts to us."


So.  Not only am I am bad mother tonight, but I am also a terrible human being. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.  Whining about crazy children, when I could have a sick/disabled child; I could have lost a child; a husband; a job; my parents; my limbs; my sense (questionable); my home. 

A million things could be really wrong right now.  And actually, absolutely nothing is.

So I closed the magazine and ran upstairs.  I woke up the kids (which they didn't like) and I squeezed them and kissed them all over (which they kinda liked). 

I may have been a bad mother tonight, but I am not a bad mother (or a bad person).  And tomorrow is a new day.   "Take all your so-called problems; Better put them in quotations...Say what you need to say."

And in the spirit of my resolutions, I am also forgiving myself for this one crappy night.

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