May 30, 2012

Dear... Dear...

....Dear Babies,

I had a hard time even starting this post in the wee hours of the morning.  Because today was one of the days where I almost threw my hands of up in the air and quit it all.  Quit?  Quit what?

Motherhood?  No. The rest of it.  I want sometimes so much... to be home with you.

Best Mother's Day EVER!
I realized last night as I was putting you, Stella, to bed that you are little and tiny... but you are really the size of a Golden Retriever.  You are no longer a puppy.  Meaning that you are no longer a baby.  You have grown and I feel like I have missed so much.  At the same time, I feel like I have aged 20 years in the last four... so I know I have been "here."

I mean... I am glad that you are three, and your brother four. 

I like "kids" much more than babies. Babies don't say things like, "Oh, Mommy I love your necklace and princess hat" and "This is a big poop, right? Do you like it?"  That stuff is the best and I laugh my fool head off most of the time.

But what funny things am I missing during the day?  What am I missing because I am preoccupied with stuff that I hate? Stuff that is sucking the life out of me on a daily basis? 

I don't know.

I am trying to make something bigger and better for us, for you, and for our future. Which explains the lack of focus on "Blogventures" and legal articles... and more on things involving bicycles.  But I want you to know that someday, when I say cryptic things to you like "don't go to college, buy this warehouse" - that you shouldn't look at me like I am crazy... that you will see there is method to my true madness.  

I guess if I wanted to stay home, I could just say, "I quit."  I could do this without regard for our finances, the firm that is good to me, and life in general.  Above all, I am stupidly responsible.  So that's important too. Maybe I'll say things to you like "buy the warehouse, but make sure you have good insurance and an excellent title attorney."


My dear babies.... I guess I just want written record of the fact that I tried. I tried to be a good mother between the hours of 5:30pm and 8pm Monday through Friday, and all day on the weekends.  I hope it's enough. I hope you always feel loved, not smothered ...and happy, not worried. 

Would I change things?  Would I do things differently?  Your Papa always says, "Don't look back and wonder 'what if?'" And I have tried to live my life like that.  I won't ever get to say, "I wonder if I had only gone to law school...." 

Now, instead... I wonder... I wonder if I had pursued that journalism degree, moved to Colorado to train in weightlifting, and gone to SCAD.

But I know what that answer would be:  I wouldn't have you, my precious babies. 

And that's defintely not the right answer.

So.  If something happens to me before you are old enough for me to scream these words at the top of my lungs, the Expert Father has been instructed to pass along all the writings I have scribbled, all the 100000 blog posts...

but this one, being perhaps the most important:

Go with your heart. And your gut. But always use your brain for the responsibilities... If I had it to do over, I would do THIS all over again.  I am not where I want to be... but I have you, and I WILL be where I want to be...


My point being: I will have you both to join in my celebration when the big things happen.  If I had ignored my brain all these years... I would be out a good job, a steady paycheck AND my sweet babies.

For now, I am just out of my mind. :) So.  Did I just use this blog to self-therapize myself?  Guess so.

I love you, James & Stella.  To the moon and back.

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